


Slowly drifting

by ppaallee



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Killugon - Freeform, Oh so angsty😩, alluka is in this, if you hate on alluka i hate you, im kidding, please give me suggestions, please this is cringy, read This if you really want too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27592787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ppaallee/pseuds/ppaallee
Summary: ‼️This Fanfic Contains Spoilers From CAA‼️- IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO BE SPOILED DON’T CONTINUE‼️THIS IS NOT PART OF THE ANIME IT’S MERLY AN AU‼️On a small island, lives a boy. You can see him helping people, but once he gets done, you can catch this boy running into the woods, you can try to follow but he is to fast. You can wait outside the forest but he will make sure you never see him. To the island this boy is a mystery...Gon takes out his guilt and frustrations and turns it into songs, what if Alluka hears these and decides to show Killua?Please these are just head cannons and things I think about that me and my friends find cool😩 and this is my first fanfic so dhocndksdn
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	1. Prologue

On a small island, somewhere just barley on the map of the world, lives a boy. This boy is loved by everyone who crosses his path. You can see him helping people, going to school, running errands.. but once he gets done, you can catch a glimpse of this boy running into the woods, you can try to follow him all you like but he is to fast. You can wait outside the forest as long as you want but he will make sure you never see him. To the island this boy is a mystery, the only thing people know about him is that he has a kind smile, and warm, soft eyes.

The boy stays in the forest until dusk, only realizing he’s been gone for a long time when the first star shows itself. You can see him taking his time walking up the mountain to his home, admiring the night sky which he sees every night, the trees and flowers he walks by everyday, and the ground he walks on every day. If you get close enough you can see him open up his window and sit on the sill, you can see his eyes, looking at the moon in pain like he’s reliving everything. You can see his head bump back onto his wall, close his eyes, clenching his jaw, as tears stream down his face. You can hear his voice break, when he talks and sings. You can see him look down at the ground in wonder, as if he’s calculating if he’ll survive if he falls. You can see the panic in the boys eyes when he thinks he hears footsteps, the whip of his head when he swears he can hear a whisper.


	2. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon gets awoken by a nightmare😃💔❗️

Gon sits on his window sill, looking out at the sea in longing. He had been awoken once again by a nightmare, the haunting silhouette of Pitou, seeing Kite all beaten up, and Killua’s panicked face. It always starts off the same.  
But this time it took a different turn, it morphed into a nice dream, Killua and him were splashing around in water, and an actual smile on Killua’s face, while pushing the water towards gon. Then it all happens in slow motion, Gon watches in horror as Killua is pulled under the ocean.  
Gon immediately dives under the water in search, but he’s being held above water, watching as killua is screaming and reaching out for Gon. Then it morphs once again, Gon is now walking down a path in a forest, he isn’t sure what forest, but he knows he’s been there before.  
He feels a presence near him. He’s confused, as to why he slowed down, why did he looked around, why he didn’t scream and run when he saw what he did, why didn’t he cry and shout. All he could think of was the sight in front of him, killua’s mangled body reminded him of Kite, his eyes torn out with black blood trailing down his pale cheeks, his hand reaching out towards Gon and then dropping to his side.  
“Killua-!”  
“Why? Why didn’t you help me? You told me we would stick together.”  
Gon stands there, face paling. He feels like he’s going to vomit.  
“Why would you say those things? You knew how important you were to me, and yet you betrayed me. Why?”  
Gon had no response.  
Killua reached out, his hand touching gons cheek, only then did he realize tears were running down his face. The next thing happened so fast Gon wasn’t sure it did. Killua’s hand morphed into a claw and dug into gons checks, not stopping until his fingers tore through his skin.  
“I don’t know how I loved you.”  
Gons head got snapped.  
Thinking back onto the dream, Gon reaches up to feel his cheeks, wanting to make sure he was still intact. He couldn’t help but press his fingers deeply into his cheeks, wondering what would happen if he actually tore through is skin. 

Shaking his head Gon looks up at the moon, “why am I so selfish?” His voice breaks in the middle of his sentence, his question sitting in the air, of course there was no reply, not even the sound of a cricket. Closing the window and hopping back into bed Gon prays he can sleep the rest of the night without dreaming. 

Gon wakes up at 7, having slept for four hours he feels a little bit energized. For a while he just lays in bed, not thinking of anything In particular, but his thoughts roam back to Killua, like they always do. [in I] “how is he doing? Does he like it better without me? How is Alluka? Did they go on any new adventures? Does he even miss me?” Of course Gon hates that when he thinks of Killua he thinks about if he were still by his side, if he was stronger. Sure Gon has been working on getting his nen back, and he already has, but he has to work even harder to catch up to Killua.  
A knock startles him out of his thoughts  
“Gon? Are you awake”  
Ah Aunt Mito! He’s so lucky to have her, he doesn’t know if he’d even be here with out her.  
“Yes I’m awake.” Gon sits up and kicks his legs over the side of the bed just in time for Mito to open the door, “how’ve you been honey? You doing any better?” She makes a beeline for his bed and sits down right next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking at him with concern written across her face. “I’ve been doing a bit better.” It’s a lie of course, he doesn’t want her to worry over him, he offers her a small smile just to show that he’s okay, it doesn’t reach his eyes.  
It’s quite clear that she doesn’t believe him, but she doesn’t push him to say anything because she knows that if she did he would shut her out.  
Getting up, Mito said “okay. Well, breakfast is ready and then you have to get going.” She smiles at him before crossing the room and exiting into the hallway. 

Gon finished his dinner with ease, only stopping to down a cup of orange juice. Thanking Aunt Mito for the meal he goes up to his room to put on his school clothes, with a panicked breath Gon realizes he in fact did not do laundry. “Aunt mitttoooooo...” he stand in the middle of his room listening as his aunt’s footsteps get louder, opening the door with a sigh Mito says “Gon, find another pair of clothes. I’ll do the laundry.” Gon whoops with joy and starts throwing clothes around, not stopping till he found a black shirt, shorts, and long socks. “Thank you!!” Gon runs over and gives her a hug, and practically falling down the stairs. Running down the mountain Gon turns around to wave at aunt Mito, jumping up and down just to make sure she sees him. Rubbing her forehead with her fingers, Mito manages a smile and a small wave before turning back into their home.

As Gon gets out of school he bolts to the forest, he can hear his teachers yelling at him to slow down but he just yells a “sorry!” In return. He knows the forest like the back of his hand, so when he almost falls into a hole you could say he’s pretty confused.  
Falling onto his butt just before he could fall into said hole he pokes his head in over the edge. “Woah... it’s like a ravine in Minecraft...” Gon whispers. Curiosity is telling Gon to go into the ravine, but he has enough self control to know that he could injury himself and not be able to get out.

Picking himself up Gon walks around the hole and strolls through the forest, reaching his hand to his side to caress the trees bark. Stopping in a clearing Gon sits and watches the wind blow leafs off of trees. Soon after sitting down a butterfly lands on his nose, giggly softly to himself Gon gets up, he decides he’ll end the day early and go home to work on a song. 

Walking home is always fun for Gon, he can’t explain why but he just feels content. Taking the long way home, Gon watches little critters run about and clump through trees. It’s not weird for Gon to gain a animal walking with him, so when he looks down at his right side and sees a little squirrel he just softly smiles and continues on his way. His mind is at ease and he’s relaxed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😬 please leave comments on what I could do better! But also please keep an open mind to how I don’t care :) this is a fanfic that I made for fun so if ur ganna be serious about this, just letting you know, I probably will respond with “😩💔🙄❗️”


	3. chapter three

When Gon arrives home he yells a quick "I'm back!" before basically jumping up the stairs and into his room. He sits down at his desk and gets a journal out. You see, ever since he got back home from the world tree, he started having nightmares. Aunt Mito suggested that he keep a “nightmare journal; since it was too hard to explain the nightmares he had, Gon decided he'd just draw them.  
e has filled up (at the very least) seven notebooks. Every page is a new drawing, some were in pen and others were in pencil, some are of Pitou, Others Kite and Ging, but a lot of them were of him and Killua. You see, once he woke up he could remember every detail of the war, but the thing is that they weren't from his point of view, it was like watching a show, he could see himself and the others around him. So what made the drawings so magnificently horrifying is because he has had recurring nightmares for 3 years, has been able to study every detail in every shot he's drawn human figures so much, and has gotten used to drawing himself that the drawings look like a photo in black and white.  
Gon has also taken an interest in songwriting, so he has at least 3 notebooks also filled with song lyrics and drawings to accompany the words. He has sung before, and he did post it on youtube, getting a lot of comments to make more songs, but he drew a music video with it. The first song he posted was probably a year and a half ago, thinking back on it he doesn't really like it but hey at least some people like it. letting his mind wander even more Gon gets out his journal and starts sketching his most recent nightmare.  
His first song was “It took me by surprise.” And honestly, he didn’t think anyone would see it if he posted it, but oh boy was he wrong. 

The video started with present Gon (17) looking out at younger Gon (14) in the palace.  
Older Gon then starts signing,  
“I would react badly to the slightest hint of hesitance.”  
Younger Gon turns around to yell at a blacked out figure.  
“He’d bend awkwardly to suit my mood, no word from his defense.”  
It shows the blacked out figure walking away.  
The scene changes to when Gon was talking about how he didn’t know how terrible it felt to be weak.  
“I’d cry knowing how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin.”  
With a little zoom in the scene changes to Gings face looking down at Gon.  
“I pushed every little button but the right one that would let me in.”  
The screen zooms into young Gon’s face before it changes to the blacked out figure flinching.  
“Now he’s afraid of me.”  
The figures head looks down.  
“He’s afraid of me.”  
It then showed the bottom half of Gings face, talking to someone saying  
“It took me by surprise, The hatred in his eyes.”  
It shows a frame of Gon saying “You’re a shit father.”  
“I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go.”  
Gon’s head and shoulders are in frame, looking at the camera with anger, and having flashs of what happened in greed island behind him.  
“But he lacked the words to let me know.”  
The screen goes black.  
“He acted out, now I can see it is my fault.”  
The blacked out figure is on screen once again with that line, and present Gon is staring at said figure with tears in his eyes, shaking his head no.  
“I made changes that went unnoticed, sang songs for deaf ears.”  
The screen cuts to a 15 year old Gon texting his friends heartfelt apologies and them leaving him on read. Him sitting on his bed working on Ten.  
“He mistook my silence for punishment-”  
Gon is looking at his phone, a text he sent months ago to a person who didn’t even open it.  
“-As it had been all these years.”  
He dropped his phone.  
“I’d cry knowing how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin”  
It shows present Gon waking up from a nightmare, tears rolling down his face, and whispering ‘I’m sorry’  
“Now he’s afraid of me.”  
It shows Gon at the dinner table, Mito setting a plate in front of him and talking.  
“He’s afraid of me.”  
Mito says a blurred name and Gon flinches.  
“It took me by surprise, the hatred in his eyes.”  
The drawings change to Gon standing in front of a mirror looking at himself with hatred.  
“I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go-”  
It shows Gon fainting.  
“-but he lacked the words to let me know.”  
Mito is talking to Gon, he puts his hands up to signal that he is fine.  
“He acted out now I can see-”  
The screen goes black  
“-it took me by surprise, the hatred in his eyes. I’ve pushed this man as far as I could go, but he lacked the words to let me know. He acted out now I can see-”  
It shows Gon with a backpack on, presumably walking to school, with eye balls opening up and watching his every move.  
“It is my fault”  
You see the lower half of Gon’s face mouth the words. 

Thinking back onto the song Gon’s face pales a little bit, mind wandering into what happened in the war. Dropping his pen and slapping his face, Gon reminded himself “If you never heal from what hurt you, then you’ll bleed on people who did not cut you.”  
Looking down at his drawing Gon sees that he has drawn Killua being pulled deeper into the ocean. Closing the book and setting it back onto its shelf Gon takes out his phone to just scroll through twitter. See he has posted quite a few songs, The apology song, Just the two of us, Fuyunohanashi, etc.. and they have all gained quite a lot of traction, and when people found out he has twitter, tiktok, and instagram, they freaked out. Feeling like tweeting something, Gon say’s a simple thing of “My arm almost got stuck in a hole today.”

Seeing what other people have tweeted for just a few more minutes, Gon sets his phone down, and gets out his song book, he opens to a new page and starts writing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please- when I say "drew a music video" think of stuff like SAD-ist with "the fall" or "warriors" because other wise its just not cool-  
> also the quote is from notsalmon (its a website- i just looked up inspirational quotes, also the songs I mention are ya know- just things that fit :)


	4. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk man dinner and thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter :,) This has been sitting in my notes lmfao uhm  
> Next chapter is prolly killua POV so- yeah

As Gon set down his Pen, he examined the pages of his new song, the doodles on the sides of the pages, and the words he scribbled out. “It’s good enough.” Gon thought as he closed his book, thinking of what he should add for instruments.  
Stretching his arms over his head, he leans back in his chair to peer out the window. “It’s a beautiful sunset, isn’t it?” Gon turns around startled, eyes wide “uhm- yeah- how did you-..” his voice cracks with confusion, Mito chuckles slightly “I picked a few things up from you. Come on! Dinners ready!” Making a ‘come forward’ hand motion and a small smile on Mito’s face she walks out of the doorway into the hall. Still being greatly confused, Gon gets up and walks down stairs.

“So... anything new?” Mito try’s making conversation, knowing damn well that nothing has happened. “Oh well I did actually make a new song. I don’t know what to add for the instruments though... How have you been?” Mito starts rambling about this little kid she met on the harbor but Gon wasn’t paying attention, he was trying, he really was, but he just couldn’t.  
Mito stops talking when she notices the troubled look on her sons face, pursing her lips, Mito gets up and takes her dishes into the kitchen. Gon gets startled by Mito touching his shoulder and asking if he was okay, he responds with a simple “yeah” before getting up and putting his plate into the sink, helping clean the kitchen. 

Closing his door, Gon opens his windowsill and sits on it. He thinks it’s be funny if he broke out into a musical number, he laughs at the thought. “Alright well, you only live once” chuckling to himself he looks up to the moon and starts singing, trying to find what pitch his new song should be in.


	5. chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so many ideas for this, but when i try to write it gets so off track lmfao

Alluka and Killua have been traveling the world for 3 years. They’ve been to so many beautiful places. Killua would often tell Alluka stories about what Gon and him would do when she was going to bed. She said that she was happy he was able to have a friend like that.   
Killua hasn’t seen Gon in all of the 3 years, they used to text and call a lot after the separation but Gon got busy with homework and Killua got busy with moving around, he also needed time to fully heal from the words that Gon had said to him.   
Killua reflects on the parting, not caring that the rain from outside the window was dotting his checks, or that the wind was making him shiver. He only tuned back in once Alluka was shaking him by the shoulders.  
“Big brother!!” She dragged out the eeerrrr and wouldn’t stop until Killua was saying “Yes?? YEs??? Okay????”   
“You had that look in your eyes, ya know... The one that makes you look all sad and mysterious.” “I did not.”   
“Did too!”  
“Did not!”  
“Did too!”

Sighing and sitting up straight enough to crack his back, Killua closed the window while asking Alluka “Where do you wanna to go?”   
“Well... I’ve never been to whale island!” Easing her finger to her face to make her point more clear and widening her eyes, Alluka proposed that Killua and her should go to visit the island.   
Eyes widening and mouth suddenly dry, Killua gaps and tries to come up with an excuse.   
“You don’t need to have an excuse big brother! I know you miss him, and he definitely misses you too! So we should just visit him!” Killua watches as she nods and says “yeah!” to herself before he finds words. “Well I suppose we could-“ He got cut short when Alluka was whooping with a smile stretching onto her face.   
At this, Killua feels the corner of his lips twitch and doesn’t try to stop the small smile that slips onto his face.

Gon walks down the stairs, wanting a midnight snack before he tries to go to bed. Poking his head around the corner, Gon watches as Mito says “Goodbye.” And puts the phone down, curious Gon asks “Who was that?”  
Mito, startled, turns around and breaths out a sigh of relief at seeing Gon.   
“It was just an old friend. Now what are you doing up Mister?” Rubbing the back of his head and saying a quick “sorry” Gon explains that he was just hungry and needed to eat before bed.   
“Well how about you just have an orange and take it up to your room. You may be good at cooking but I don’t doubt you’d burn this house down.” Gon laughs at that and sighs out a little “Yeah..” before heading to the fridge to get an orange as Mito suggested.  
“You know.. He misses you too.”  
Gon freezes in his tracks, trying to say something, trying to turn around and look at Mito, but his body won’t move.  
“I know we don’t talk about what happened, not that I even know all of it. But it was good that you two separated.”  
At that Gon sucks in a breath.  
“From what I know about it, what you have told me, you both became dependent on eachother. Sure it’s good to know that you have someone to rely on! But at some point you couldn’t imagine doing anything without the other, and you actually couldn’t. Until you did. And it hurt both of you, so badly. With separating, you both have become your own person again. I just want you to know that it wasn’t your fault that you guys got separated. It wasn’t anyone’s. It sounded like a mutual decision, so don’t blame yourself. I know it’s hard.”  
Gon stayed silent for a little while, processing what Mito just said. Before he slipped out a “Yeah, I guess...” and walked back up the stairs. Mito watched him walk away, if Gon turned around he would see the worry and concern painted on her face. 

Gon looks at the orange in his hand before setting it down onto his desk, “I don’t have an appetite anymore..”   
Moving to his windowsill, as he did every night, Gon looked out into the ocean, wishing that he could leave the island once more. But he can’t. He has to stay, finished school, and get stronger.   
Ever since Gon has figured out he could not preform Nen, he has contacted both Wing and Bisky, the latter actually coming and helping him. When she arrived, her training did actually help, he got his nen back but he had to go through even harder training than what he did when he was younger. 

On impulse, Gon jumped out of the window, of course landing safely and on his feet, and then ran. He didn’t know how long he was running, but it had to be a while. When he left it was probably 2 in the morning, and now the sun is coming up. He’s convinced he’s just been running around the island. Since his speed hasn’t deteriorated but has gotten stronger, he thinks by now he’s ran the island 3 times in the hours of being away.   
Slowing to a stop, Gon looked around before spotting that he was on a beach.   
Walking forward and halting just before the shoreline, Gon fell to his knees, tears fell down his face as he gasped for breath.   
Of course people have told him it wasn’t his fault before, that his actions were completely logical. But he didn’t believe that.   
Screaming and crying as invasive thoughts built up in his head, one after another, seemingly never stopping.

and then they did.

Gon has passed out.

Oh.

He thinks that salt water is getting in his mouth.

His body is tingly, his hearing fading in and out.

Using this time to review himself, Gon thinks.

He doesn’t think of anything in particular.

He just thinks.

And when a thought becomes to much he addresses why.

He overcomes many of the thoughts built up by the time he has regained consciousness, and sits up onto his knees, continuing to just think.   
He knows he should go home by now, so slowly but surely, Gon gets up and starts walking back into the forest.  
Taking one last look out onto the ocean, the sun already up.   
“Eight?”  
Gon thinks it might be eight in the morning already, Mito would be up by now.   
Turning back around, Gon thinks he would be crying a lot more this week.


	6. chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna ruin our friendship🤌😩😩😍😛👊👊❗️ we should be lovers instead🙄🙄🙄😳😳❗️❗️❗️👀

As Gon walked back through the dimly lit forest, he tried to gather his thoughts.   
His body, basically on auto pilot, maneuvered through the forest, jumping over roots that were sticking out through the forest floor and hopping over the holes in the ground.   
Gon thought.  
He didn’t think of anything in particular  
But he let his mind wander.  
Only realizes he was at his house when his hand touched the cold metal of his front door.  
Blinking in surprise, Gons mouth opens into an “O” shape, before opening the door to his Aunt Mito yelling at him for being gone.  
“I didn’t know where you were! You just left for hours! I know you do this often but everytime it worries me to half to death! What am I supposed to think?” Mito sighs and closes her eyes before she speaks again, “Just... Just don’t wander off for that long.. Okay?” Gon nods in agreement, stepping forward to hug Mito.   
It’s been a while since Gon has last compared his height to someone, now realizing he is at least two inches taller than Mito. “Hey Aunt Mito! Look who’s taller!” Laughing, Gon steps back, putting his hand from his head to her head, trying to compare height.   
“Yeah it looks like you are.” A soft smile slips onto Mito’s face before she glances down, Horror on her face.  
“Gon! Wash off in the hose before taking a shower! You’re tracking mud everywhere!”  
A panicked giggle reaches Gons lips before he bolts out of the door to get to the hose outside. 

Gon walks back into the house, thinking that he probably stands at 5’9 now. He continues walking up the stairs before he freezes, struck with amusement, “I think i’m taller than Kurapika now..” Gon whispers, letting out a amused sigh.   
He continues down the dark hallway in order to get to the bathroom.

•

The first thing Killua sees as he googles ‘ships to whale island’ are a bunch of twitter, and instagram posts talking about a singer from there. Killua scrolls through all of the links before deciding to click on a link to a youtube channel, he doesn’t expect what he sees though.  
The name of this channel is ‘Freecss”  
eyes widening at just the name, Killua is hesitant to continue on with looking.  
Slowly, Killua clicks on “videos” and looks at all of the videos, the titles, the in-depth thumbnails. The thumbnails were all art, but it looked so fluid and... human?  
Clicking on one that peeked his interest, Killua continues to listen and watch “Mr.Loverman”   
Immediately Killua knows his suspicions were true. It was his voice. It was deeper than he remembered. But it was still the same. It was Gon.  
Tears sprung to his eyes, he intently watch’s the music video, the art looking so, correct. It looked exactly like Gon but older, taller, and more physically strong.  
A couple times in the music video he could see a blurry blob of black scribbles, resembling the shape of a human.  
He paused at one of the moments, wiping the tears from his eyes to get a clearer look.  
There was no doubt about it.  
The blob was Killua.  
The thing that hit the hardest were the next lines,   
“What am I supposed to do, without you?  
I’m mister Loverman.  
And I miss my Loverman.”  
There was pain in his voice.  
The camera would zoom into the ‘face’ of the blob.

Finishing the song, Killua goes back onto the profile, clicking on the one that says HIS name. Killua’s name. It’s literally labeled ‘Killua.’  
*cue Jenny playing lmfao*  
“Gon..”  
Killua whispers his name into the darkness of the night, Killua falls asleep that night with a smile on his face.


	7. chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> singing and death (theres not death but that’s what felt right to put)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed the lyrics a little to fit 😃

Killua forgot to order the tickets.  
I mean you can’t blame him! When he tried falling asleep, he only woke up like two hours later buzzing with excitement from the realization that Gon. Likes. Him.  
Him.  
And so, like a stalker, Killua unlocked his phone and found his instagram and... tiktok? huh...  
But going into instagram, Killua starts from the bottom and goes to the top.

The first picture is a one from two years ago, making him 15, Killua guesses.   
It’s of Gon standing in front of Kon with his arms spread wide and a huge smile on his face, Kon mimicking the action.  
Killua zoomed in on the picture and just stared in awe.  
The light was hitting at such an angle, that it Illuminated Gon’s skin, his eyes shining bright.   
He looked ethereal.  
At least in Killua’s mind he did.  
Killua blushed at the thought, digging his face into his blankets until he felt his face cool off.  
There were a couple of pictures of Gon’s face close and blurry to the camera, another one of Gon, not focusing on the camera, his right pointer finger coming up to his face, his eyes glowing a beautiful honey color, hair down and wet, sticking to his forehead, and a beautiful butterfly that has landed on Gon’s nose.  
The photo made Killua freeze, a sense of longing washing over him.  
His face softened at the picture, only being able to imagine getting to witness that moment in real life.

Killua got to the most recent photo, posted yesterday, and it was an image of Gon, mid jump, throwing confetti. The caption of this post saying “Talking to the moon will be out at some point tomorrow😛😛👊”   
Killua laughed at the emojis, checking the time before putting his phone down, and going to sleep.  
He didn’t get much sleep.

•

Gon pushed the covers off his body, over heating. He felt like his body had lava rushing in waves from his torso and under.  
Rubbing at his eyes, Gon remembered in excitement that he would post his newest song today.  
Now, not just lately, Gon’s songs have been about past relationships. Most of them are about Killua. Maybe all of them. He won’t tell.   
He feels his face warm up, but deciding to ignore it, Gon gets up and goes downstairs to eat breakfast.   
The cold bites at his legs, and while walking down the stairs, Gon begins to regret not putting on slippers.  
As a hand lands on his head to give it a pat a voice says “Mornin Gon!” before the hand gets removed and a kiss is placed on his forehead.  
“Mornin aunt Mito! What are we having? It smells delicious.” Gon walks over to the dining table, knowing he won’t be able to help with the rest of breakfast, his Aunt is to stubborn for that.   
Mito makes a noise in-between a gasp and a laugh before continuing to say “You should know! You have a great nose anyways!” Mito delivers him a amused smile before turning back to the stove to finish making the food.  
Gon laughs, waiting for the food to arrive.   
But as he thinks, he starts to analyze what’s happening.   
Mito is making t h e breakfast.   
We never have that breakfast unless something special is happening.  
Did something happen to Mito?  
His thoughts get interrupted as a plate filled with food gets plopped down in front of him.  
Taking one big bite before looking up at Aunt Mito from across the table, Gon gives her a big genuine smile, before Mito sighs and laughs at his antics.

They finish breakfast pretty fast, wanting to know why they had that breakfast is gnawing at Gon but he thinks his Aunt will tell him when she’s ready. It’s a comfortable silence as Mito and Gon clean the dishes. Mito breaks it though.  
“Any new songs? Did you figure out what instruments should go with the one we were talking about?”   
“Oh well I kind of.. abandoned that one- but! I did start another and I’m planning on recording it later today, I already recorded all of the instrumentals that I need.” Gon looks over his shoulder with a smile, his tongue sticking out a little bit as to give off a “sorry, i know you wanted me to finish it.” Kinda vibe.  
Mito laughs before assuring Gon that it is fine, but to tell her when he starts working on it so she knows not to barge in.  
Of course she only tells Gon that, She’s going to barge in anyways.

•

Alluka couldn’t be more excited at finally getting to see Whale Island, she was talking to Killua the whole time and asking about what they are going to do there.   
Killua assured her that Gon should be the one who handles that. 

As the ship stops at the dock, Killua can’t help but notice how short people are on the island. All standing at about a 5’5-ish range, now Killua shouldn’t laugh at that, he is pretty tall, 6’2, but he does anyways.  
As he and Alluka walk off the dock, at a slow pace so Alluka can admire everything, Killua starts to get nervous.  
He knows he shouldn’t be but he can’t help it, he hasn’t talked to Gon in 3 freaking years! For all he knows, Gon could hate him now! Killua wallows away in worrying thoughts while Alluka is still gushing about the things around island.

He only gets pulled out of his thoughts when Alluka starts tugging on his arm, demanding that they head to Gons house.  
Letting a soft smile slip onto his face, Killua says that it’s going to be a little bit of a walk to get there.   
Alluka doesn’t mind.  
Killua doesn’t either.

Before Killua can even knock on the door, Mito opens it, she raises a finger to her mouth in a shushing motion before signaling them inside.   
As they get inside, Mito gives him and Alluka a bone crushing hug, honestly how does this women not have nen.  
Mito introduces herself to Alluka and starts some talk with her before she changes the subject, “Gon is recording something right now, as long as he has head phones on and is focused he shouldn’t notice us but I don’t want to take that chance.” Mito starts walking towards the stairs.  
Killua gives a questioning look before following suit, with Alluka behind him.

Mito motions the two siblings forward before she slowly opens the door to Gons bedroom.   
Immediately, sound fills everyone’s ears, Mito opens the door fully and surely right there, is Gon. 

Ironically, it seems as though they entered near the beginning of the song. 

“Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you  
I need you here to stay  
I broke all my bones that day I found you  
Crying at the lake  
It was something I said to make you feel like you're a burden.   
Oh, and if I could take it all back  
I swear that I would pull you from the tide”

Killua notices the “It was something I said”   
But hardly, he just stands there astonished at how good Gon sounds, he thought he was good on the internet but it’s nothing compared to being like 15 feet away from him. 

Killua:🧍

“Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa  
I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no)  
Listen close, it's a no  
The wind is a-pounding on my back  
And I found hope in a heart attack  
Oh at last, it is past  
Now I've got it, and you can't have it  
Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you  
I need you here to stay  
I broke all my bones that day I found you  
Crying at the lake  
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh  
And if I could take it all back  
I swear that I would pull you from the tide  
Darling, when I'm fast asleep  
I've seen this person watching me  
Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh  
Guess there is something, and there is nothing  
There is nothing in between  
And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer  
Watching over me, he's singing  
"He likes, He likes ladys, and I am just a boy"  
He's singing, "He likes, he likes ladys, and I am just a line without a hook"  
Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you  
I need you here to stay  
I broke all my bones that day I found you  
Crying at the lake  
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh  
And if I could take it all back  
I swear that I would pull you from the tide”

Killua stood there, replaying the parts of “and i am just a boy” in his head.  
It felt like forever before Gon finally noticed them.  
First his eyes went to Mito, a playful look crossed his face, then he saw Alluka, you could see how ridged he went, and slowly his eyes went to Killua.


	8. chapter 7.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-)

i can still see them.  
i can still hear them.  
i can hear their laughter while he screams.  
i can hear the crush of their bones as they break it as an offering of peace.  
i can hear their pleading.  
begging not for death.  
i can see their face.  
i can see his face.  
i can still see me.  
i am ashamed   
i am scared   
of myself  
i wish i hadn’t   
but i had to   
my regret has been bubbling   
i cry   
knowing that everything could’ve been different   
he could’ve left me  
he should’ve   
he should’ve hated me   
i tried to get him to hate me   
so when i died it would be easier for him   
he would not grieve  
he would not mourn   
he would not cry at night thinking of how he failed me  
because he didn’t   
i failed him   
i failed everyone   
no one will admit it though. 

Gon is sitting up in bed.   
Gon is crying.  
Gon is screaming.  
Gon is sleeping.  
Mito is rushing.  
Mito is worried.  
Mito is relieved.  
Mito is sleeping.  
Grandma abe is dead lmfao she has no plot purpose in this so 😏😏🤺


	9. chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do i have to put something here

Gon stands there, staring at the door in shock. He didn’t think much of it when it was just mito in the doorway, she often listens in while he’s recording, but to look over and find two other faces is shocking.  
He watches as Killua awkwardly puts his hand up and does a tiny wave while uttering a small “Hello.” Before forcing a smile onto his face as Alluka elbows his ribs.  
Gon’s eyes glance down at the movement before he looks over to Mito, awaiting an explanation. But by the time he looks over, Mito is no longer there.   
coughing to clear his voice, Gon mutters a “come in.” while gesturing inside his room.   
Alluka looks up at her brother before voicing that “I’m going to go hang out with Mito.” before waving to Gon and smirking at Killua. 

Killua turns back around to face Gon and sees that he is already sitting on his bed, looking awkward. He guesses that it is awkward for Gon to just suddenly see him.   
Crossing the room in a couple strides, Killua sits down on Gon’s bed, awaiting a conversation to happen. 

It doesn’t happen for a while.   
So they end up sitting in silence for a bit. 

Gon breaks it first.   
“How have you been?”  
That’s all Gon can offer, sure he has so many thing he would like to ask but he doesn’t want to put Killua in the spot.  
The room is silent.  
Gon begins to panic a little bit with the thought of ‘did i ask him the wrong question??’  
but a sharp bark of laughter has Gon turning his head so fast to the other person in the room that it almost gives him whiplash.  
“Man, after all these years that’s all you can come up with? you must want to talk about something.” Killua asks while trying to calm himself from his laughter.  
“Well yeah of course I do but I wanna know how you’ve been!” Gon all but shouts while pointing an accusing finger at Killua.  
“Alright, alright, calm yourself. I’ve been good, just traveling around with Alluka and seeing new places.” “Sounds fun.” Gon interjects before looking at Killua, seeing if he’d continue. 

“Are you going to say how you’ve been Gon?” Startled, Gon laughs before nodding his head.  
“Yeah, I’ve been good. There isn’t much stuff to do on island since i’ve explored every inch of it before. Although i did find a weird hole in the ground that i haven’t seen before, so i might go explore that.”  
Killua smiles softly while listening to Gon speak before asking a question he’s been wanting to know. 

“How did you start music?”  
Gon turns his body to face Killua, before countering with another question “Did you know that i’m into music or are you just asking because of when you walked in here.”  
Gon quiets at the end and his face flushed as her remembers what he was singing as Killua walked in. 

“I heard some of your songs before, You’re a good singer.” A short silence lasted between the two before Killua realizes something. “Hey! You never answered my question! What got you into music??”   
“Oh well... I guess when I got back and started having nightmares—“ ‘so he has some too.’ Killua thinks as Gon answers his question. “—and once Aunt Mito found out about it she wouldn’t stop pestering me about them. In a way it was good since she ended up suggesting to draw my nightmares.” He gestures to the pile of notebooks on a shelf. “I ended up writing words to go with the drawings. And at the time I took a lot of comfort in song that I could relate to, but they always felt.. I don’t know.. Off? so i tried learning as many instruments as I could and the rest is history.” Gon finishes with a smile while looking directly at Killua while he has to draw his eyes back from the ‘nightmare books.’

It was a way more in-depth answer than Killua thought he would give, but he’d take it. Gon opened his mouth to say something as confusion drifted over his face but Killua starts talking before he can say anything. “I bet you’re wondering how I knew about your music?” Gon nods. “Well when I was getting tickets to come here. there were headlines of ‘a music artist’ from here and it happened to be you. honestly if I let Alluka buy the tickets I would have never known.”   
Gon seems content with this answer and slouches back before snapping right back into place with terror across his face. “What songs did you hear?”   
Killua, confused at the answer, lists all the songs he listened too. But stops just before finishing, and drawing it out. “I also listened too.... hmm... what was it called?... Ah! Killua! Hey Gon—“ Killua leaned onto his hand that was propped on his knee, pushing his body forward onto the bed more as to be closer to Gon, “—why was my name a song?”   
Killua smirks at the flush that appears on Gon’s face. 

Gods, Gon wanted to hide. He knew that Killua might come across the song before but that thought vanished from his mind. And it was a relatively old song, so even if he did come across Gon’s music he wouldn’t find it. But he was wrong. 

And so there Gon is, with Killua staring into his soul, and him wanting to hide.  
Stammering, Gon tried to form a sentence. “We-well y’a know...” Gon looks up and down from his hands and Killua face, at his hesitance to continue, Killua gives him an amused look before going “well keep going.” After a while of stalling Gon ends up rubbing the back of his neck while quietly saying “It’s embarrassing..” 

And boy does Killua make it over dramatic. 

“You? Thee Gon? Thee Gon who never gets embarrassed? This cannot be my best friend!” and as Killua makes dramatic hand movements and continues on a rant about how Gon was never embarrassed, Gon tries to figure out how he can explain the song without outwardly saying ‘hey man! i’ve been in love with you since like forever! and that song was a way to express my feelings! never thought you’d come across it though.’ 

Killua stills his movements when he sees Gon open his mouth, you could practically see the gears turning in his head.   
“Well, I never thought you’d hear the song. So it felt like a safe way to say it.” Gon was choosing his words carefully. Noted.   
“I was actually going to tell you if we ever met before i made the song, because I was practically going to die if I didn’t tell anyone. And I wasn’t close to anyone so I couldn’t really... Tell anyone, anything?”   
Intrigued, Killua nodded for Gon to continue. Although he knew what the outcome was going to be, he wanted to enjoy this moment.   
“Well... even though we never had many uh.. ‘heart to hearts’ i’ve never really been... completely honest? with my feelings I mean. They took a while to figure out.” Gon nervously chuckles while hoping something will save him from whats about to happen.

“Uhm... so in a way, the lyrics in the song are just about my honest feelings.” Gon claps his hands together. “For you.” And then does finger guns. 

Killua pulls out his phone and immediately searches “Killua lyrics” and reads the song. Blushing a little, even though he already knew about the meaning, Killua gets that until he and Gon reform their friendship, Gon isn’t going to outwardly confess to him.   
Remembering the ‘nightmare books’ and how they inspire each song, Killua asks “Can I see the drawing that inspired this song?” and yeah he knows that those books are probably very private but he feels like he should get owed this.

“Oh? Uh sure I guess, you can go over to my desk, i’ll try to figure out which book it was in.”   
So sitting at Gon’s desk, with the chair swiveled in order to watch Gon, Killua sits.  
Gon reaches up onto the shelf and grabs all, 7? maybe 8? notebooks and drops them onto the desk with a big thump.  
Gon smiles at Killua before looking at the numbers placed on the spines of the books.  
“1...3?.. no no it might be in 4?? ah 2!” Gon lets out a happy noise before he opens up book two.   
“Okay well, you—“ he points a finger at Killua. “—are not allowed to see what is in these journals.” and so leaning against the wall, Gon flips the pages.   
“Ah I found it..” Gon lets out a sad chuckle before walking closer and handing the book over to Killua.   
And oh my god, Killua was amazed at the details of the drawing.   
It was a drawing of Killua’s side profile, you could see he was he smiling, but his eyes were so sad, and to accompany those, there were tears going down his face. The drawing was scarily accurate and familiar, it looked like a photo. 

As Killua gazed down at the drawing of himself, Gon was looking anywhere but him. 

Slowly looking up, Killua asked something even though he was told not to. 

“Can I see the rest of your notebooks?” 

Gon’s face dropped, and he replied with a quick and quiet, but firm, “No.”  
Gon looked up at Killua’s face because apparently he stood up in that short amount of time, and he was so much taller. 

Taking hold of Gon’s hands, Killua said “Just the most recent one?” and Gon felt like he would no longer be bothered about it, so Gon grabbed number 9 (wow 9.) and handed it over to Killua. 

This one is the most recent, you can stay in here if you want. I’m going to get a glass of water. Want any?” It was obvious Gon just wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment so Killua replied with a small “No i’ll be fine.” and sat back down at Gon’s desk, as Gon hurried out of his room and downstairs. 

As Killua got to the last page of the notebook, he heard loud laughter from downstairs. Recognizing it as Alluka and two other people, Killua smiles, before he flips to the last page and that smile vanished. 

On the paper in front of Killua was a drawing, of course, but it was more detailed than any of the others, making Killua suspect that this was a reoccurring nightmare. And the drawing was of adult Gon in the back, hair all wild, and 14 year old Gon in the front, eyes dark and rage-full, and in his hands lies Kite’s head.   
Killua feels tears spring to his eyes, but he just forces them to go away. So redirecting his attention to the words around the drawing, he reads

“who gon pray for me?   
take my pain for me?   
save my soul for me?   
i’m alone you see.” 

There were scribbled out sentences around the paper but Killua could make out some of the words, “die for” “kill...you” and there was a long scribbled out sentence, but the scribbles were light enough to see the sentence,

“Then I’ll spill this blood for you.” 

Killua calmly closes the book before setting it down onto the desk and walking down the stairs.


End file.
